T-shirt designers wanted, Brains not required

Oh ... so I suppose you think this is clever:

You, Mr. Poorly Crafted Novelty T-shirt Designer Guy, are the im-peach-ED one.

Impeached by me.

Vegas

I wondered if playing an ultimate tournament would change my sleeping habits.

They didn't.

I wondered if I'd be able to leave the 5/10 table at the Bellagio poker room in time to make it to the game on Saturday morning.

I was! But only with enough time to get an hour of sleep.

I wondered what it would cost to have a stripper meet me in a field at 10:00 on a Saturday morning wearing a cheerleading outfit.

Too much.

Saturday, despite being out of shape, having had just one hour of sleep in an uncomfortable chair, having had no breakfast or lunch, and having been dehydrated, I performed better than any day than I played wearing a Van Buren Boys jersey. That fact no doubt reaffirms the Becky/Lou conspiracy, which I'll expand upon in a future post.

Sunday, I had another good day, not as good as the first, but still good.

I had a deep D, one on one, on Hector. I was on the force side, not guarding him, and a huck went off and I tracked it down, muscled for position, and knocked it out of the air with my left hand. I also D'd up Chicken with a half layout on an upline cut to the break side. "Oh, nice D," he said. I did not expect to hear him say that. Especially after receiving a "I don't think so" and a chuckle when I proposed a VBB/Bravo jersey trade to him back in October.

I got scored on twice on the weekend, both were really nice hucks that needed the back line to be toed by the receiver. No thrown goals allowed.

I also had as many point blocks this tourney as I had all season with VBB: two. One was after one of my two turnovers (a bad OI 30 yard throw) on the weekend. The other was against the Colorado squad on game point.

My other turn was into a really good poach by Pokey. And by really good poach, I mean really bad clear by a receiver on the break side. Pokey still made a nice one handed catch D.

I also had 0 drops and 1, maybe 2, nice grabs. 3 thrown goals, 2 received.

Red Bullsworth made the best play I've seen him make yet, with a nice layout, belly flop, painful-looking grab on the break side. It topped his previous best play of eating 4 pounds of lobster by a small margin.

Also, you may have heard that the Monte Carlo went ablaze on Friday. A teammate exchanged these texts with Ells:

Oosh: The monte carlo is on fire dude!
Ells: Literally or figuratively?
Oosh: It's burnin up man!

Thanks, that really cleared things up. When we saw the smoke billowage ourselves, it was finally clear that Oosh hadn't been talking about the dance floor.

On my favorite topic (stupid misunderstandings of the rules), one player called violation this weekend for the apocryphal rule about not being able to speed up your pace as your walking the disc up to the goal line (Rule X.A.). I hate this misconception, but it's one of the biggest. Please, if you're reading this, tell 5 ultimate players that this is not a rule and ask them to tell 5 players as well.

After the point, I was talking with the guy about it:

DB: I'm pretty sure it's a rule.
Lou: It's not. I'm not pretty sure, I'm sure.
DB: Well, I'm pretty sure.
Lou: That's not sure enough to make a call on the field.
DB: It doesn't matter, I guess, because I just fouled the guy anyway to stop him from making any play ... so it's a wash either way.
Lou: You do realize that fouling intentionally is against the rules?
DB: Yes. So?

Ugh. I just walked away at that point.

In one other interesting moment, the Colorado guys hid one of their defenders on the sideline after pulling, making our team believe there was a receiver wide open in the endzone. Upon the huck, the defender easily jogged out to D the disc. That's just dirty.

I like it.

Happy Holidays

While Kevin's blog may address the reasons why we celebrate Christmas, I'm just happy to enjoy the party: Merry Christmas blog readers.

Van Buren Boys Win the UPA Club Championship!

Admittedly, I don't know much about ultimate or how tournaments work, but what I do know is that it's just like my mom always used to say: it's not whether you win or lose, it's how good your timing is when you win.

Dave says "Plan sounds good Kev, I'm in!"

The Van Buren Boys, of course, reinforced this principle in early September by losing 5 games and winning just 2 to finish higher than our initial seed at CHC. I don't think it needs to be said that we planned our entire season around this principle. The ultimate community at large is undoubtedly aware of Kevin's recruiting platform: We're going to put the least amount of required effort, time, and wins into naming the team, designing jerseys, and qualifying for Nationals, but we're going to get it done. Truth be told, most of us were stunned to read Kev's email about practices being scheduled in June and promptly put an end to that kind of thinking by not showing up. After that, we were back to our minimalist approach toward qualifying for Nationals.

Initially, the plan was to win 0 games and qualify, but teams like Zebra Muscles, Mephisto, and Hustle no doubt had heard of our plan, adopted it, and were just simply executing it better than we were early in the season. Plus, the VBB braintrust had been unable to find a 0 wins path to Nationals that didn't include mass disqualifications and they had foolishly put the only guy capable of disqualifying his own team on our roster. Regardless, had a scheme like that been attempted, the UPA evidently no longer disqualifies the entire team for playing an ineligible player in the series, just the captain, and the plan would have failed miserably.

Next step, try to concoct a scheme to win just 1 game at Regionals and qualify. And it nearly worked! The UPA helped out tremendously with this plan by announcing that Regionals would be held in a state that only 8 people have heard of. It was conceivable that all but 1 or 2 other teams would either get lost trying to get there or just stay home. Sadly, 13 other teams showed up and it was time for plan C.

Heading into Regionals, we were 0 for 12 against teams ranked 39th or higher. We knew there were 2 ways we could win just 2 games against similarly ranked teams and get to the big show. One was to beat Machine in pool play and then win in semis, but since we were relatively sure Machine would qualify and that beating them would be, let's face it, hard, we decided on beating top 39 teams on just Sunday. So that's what we did. And our season was unofficially a success.

But we still had 7 games yet to lose.

Photographic evidence of our Championship

Which brings me to the title of this post . . . we won Nationals! Don't ask me how or why, I'm not a great tournament-format mind, but immediately after the last game on Sunday, they clearly announced our name over the loudspeaker, promptly handed us a trophy, and crowned the Van Buren Boys champions, despite losing every single game of the tournament.

No wonder nobody takes this sport seriously.

I'll end the suspense.

CHC was rough. Two wins, five losses and yet we beat our seed. That's winning at the right times.

Tensions were high in the Sub Zero game. At least on their side. I think it was even more unnerving for them to hear that we were at times laughing when they were yelling. Their first goal was close to a clap spike type of catch and arguments ensued. At one point, as a result of a foolish call by one of our players that was to our DISadvantage, one handler of theirs announced loudly to the sidelines his deliberate intent to cheat in retaliation. And of course, Shane did what Shane does best. If you can't beat 'em, injure 'em. We lost by 2, the same amount of drops we had in the endzone.

We were up 8-5 on Frontline, when they caught fire and took 10 of the next 12 points. Winning the first half doesn't seem to bode well for the Van Buren Boys.

I had 3 Ds, 2 goals thrown, 1 received, and 3 throwing turns. I D'd up Truesdale near the goal on a huck and we collided, which took me out for the tourney (though I did play one more point in the game). I couldn't walk without a limp for a week and, 3+ weeks later, the bruise on my thigh is still visible. That's probably the second worst collision I've had in ultimate. I don't think Dave even fell over.

A lackluster Sectionals was filled with a lot of off-the-field fun. The Volley Ball Boys made a Saturday appearance. Saturday night: fires, arrests, an impeccable impersonation of my walk, and super dogs. What else is there?

I had 3 Ds, and 9 goals (7 thrown, 2 received). I think only Wes outscored me (in one game, he had 4 goals received in 5 points played). I had a goal in every game but one. I was perfect on throws until the 7th game. Then I lost focus for a minute and had 2 in one point. On the first, my cutter was wide open and going to the endzone, but stopped his cut right as I threw. Bummer. The second was a backhand huck to the leader of the Wolfpack that the wind pushed out of bounds. And in the finals, I had another throw to him that would have been a goal, but Kevin got a really sweet D on it.

Regionals upcoming and although I'm not conveying it well in this post, I'm ridiculously excited. I've never been so excited for a tournament. Ever. The team excitement level, too, is off the charts. We've got a steep hill to climb, but as the video below proves, nothing is impossible. Plano East is down 41-17, with 3 minutes to go. Be sure to watch it through to the very end.

Droppier by the Lake

After Cooler, it appears the Van Buren Boys have two options:

1. Cross our fingers and hope it doesn't rain at Regionals
2. Cross our fingers and hope it rains at CHC, Sectionals, practice, and Regionals

I'm hoping for option 1.

Writing this now, I'm fearing that I'll run out of synonyms for the word "drop." As a sign of things to come, we dropped a pass on the first point of the tournament and continued to fumble with regularity throughout the weekend. As a team, I've noticed we fail to catch easy passes with higher frequency than our opponents, but this past weekend, we did it (to borrow an expression from my mom) like it was going out of style.

So ... why? I have many many thoughts on the matter, but with the growing number of Sub Zero, Machine, and BAT "spies" eying this blog, that information will present itself in a less public forum.

I can't believe I'm censoring my blog, but it's got me thinking that we'll probably only ever see any seriously relevant information trickling down from the Sockeyes and Furiouses of the ultimate world 5 years after it's obsolete.

In addition to the rising stock in Dropsie Corp. (copyright K. Seiler), we had other weaknesses that were exacerbated in the rain, but our defense remained very strong. No doubt, we were the strongest defensive team in Delafield. Hmm, maybe that's presumptuous given that I didn't get to watch Kablammo en route to their Mixed B Division Championship. Regardless, no team outplayed us on defense. I fully expect that trend to continue.

Personally, I played OK. The line: 5 turns, 6 thrown goals, 2 received goals, and (ugh) 0 defenses. The lowlight is that I had 66% of the team's total turnovers early on. My turns:

• Backhand to BJ that did not bounce because I was throwing downwind (stupidity)
• Backhand to Man Crush that did not bounce for same reasons (extreme stupidity)
• Forehand huck that went sideways and directly into the crowd (wet disc, weak grip)
• Backhand huck that floated forever (could have done without the hitting myself on the back swing)
• Backhand huck that got footblocked loudly and theatrically
  

On the positive end, I laid out on O once on an upline cut and caught the disc left-handed (something I'm not all that good at). Again, 0 drops. I shut down a TON of dumps, at least half, maybe as much as 2/3. I never got scored on and the guy I was marking never threw a goal. In the Machine game, my guy only touched the disc once, but it got sent back because he wouldn't admit the disc hit the ground before he caught it.

Awards list:

• Biggest Ho award: Mike Lun, for his inspirational lay out callahan in the Madison game that should have pumped us up enough to make a comeback win.
• Boob award: Becky, for his extraordinary leaving of Milwaukee with all of Gibbs's stuff and most of Smellsworth's stuff.
• Biggest Saver award: Lou, for his outstanding receipt of a "one free chain with purchase of chainsaw" coupon.
• Doege award: Karl Doege, for his notable performance in persistence despite being told "save it for the 18 year olds" and "don't you ever fucking do that to me again" at the bar.
• Lead Foot award: Smellsworth, for his unbelievable speeding down of a hucked disc that looked like he didn't have a chance to D, but did. (Honorable mention: Lou, for getting pulled over by a sheriff after being clocked at 47 in a 25).
• Sport Bean award: Joe Nickels, for his outstanding efforts in defense and exemplary usage of electrolytes.

I have more to say, but this has been in draft format since August 17. It's time to post.

Nice Try

The artist and player formerly known as The Baron already wrote a masterful summary of the Van Buren Boys experience at MUDI. I know all of you are dying for more, so here we go.

First, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention how I wish this tournament's name hadn't changed to MUDI. Every time I say or hear it, I think of the "I say tomato" song: "I say Muddy. You say Moody." I know it can't be Aquatennial anymore, but I just wish Greggae would have found some loophole and named it something like Aqua Ten Event Loophole (a.k.a. Aqua Ten E.L.).

My fingers can hardly keep up with all my thoughts of the good things about this weekend. Again, just a solid, all around, fun-having weekend.

Friday night, Amesians and Kansians arrived at my house for dinner. I never use canned sauces for my pasta anymore and I think it surprised a lot of people to see me making a homemade sauce. That pleased me. As did hearing that people liked it. I immensely enjoy cooking for people. Making the mini pizzas at Nationals was one of the coolest parts of the trip for me last year. Anyway, we ate, then others showed up and we took a walk down the street for pool, darts, NBA Jam, Buck Hunter, Karaoke, and Gibbler's strip tease.

We met our expectations of Saturday victories, going 4 for 4. We had the perfect game, no goals scored on us, 0 turns. TBA and Ding Wop both gave us a little more than we thought they had. And then the St. Cloud young team scored one on us ... er, okay okay, scored one on me.

On the day, I had 4 D's, though Becknasty kindly pointed out that one of them kind of came right to me. I got scored on once, the only goal in our 13-1 win. I threw 5 goals and caught 1. Zero turnovers.

Saturday night, I saw Rosco's place for the first time. What a cool house! For a while, we sat in front of a campfire listening to fireworks (note: not as cool as watching them). I regaled teammates with stories of the Tranny Patrol, my old magic days, and shared an exact figure of how much I lost on those two hands of poker while we counted out chip stacks. Kevin killed me at poker with his notably disciplined hand selection. Wimer then buried our team early in a game of spades with some extravagant bidding so Kevin got to win .... again.

Sunday morning, my man crush and I drove out to the fields on our way to face Goose Egg. I said to him, "we better be careful with them, they can beat us if we don't take it seriously." Sure enough, they go up on us 5-2, then 6-3. We fight our way back to 11-11 and Kev calls some big lines to lead us to the win. I had 0 D's in this game, a few shut downs on the dump, and allowed one thrown goal by J-Rod. Again, 0 turns.

And now for the get-to-know-ya portion of my blog:

• If you weren't there for it at Rosco's, I revealed to everyone that in high school, I performed magic for cub scouts, third grade classes, and the like. When challenged about the authenticity of my story, I proceeded to fail at a few flourishes with a plastic deck. Once I got my hands on a Bicycle deck, however, I was truly, extraordinarily, amazingly impressive with my 4 types of one handed cuts and 0 magic tricks demonstrated.
  

Madison was next. Maybe they were fatigued from their one point win against Climax, but they put up no fight at all. I got 0 D's. Twice, though, I poached well that resulted in a wild throw for a turnover. I also turned it over for the first time in this game. Then again the next point I played. I made a really poor decision on the first one on a swing to Rob and on the second, I tried to hurry it into Joe's hands in the endzone, only to overthrow him by about 3 field lengths.

And then, the long-awaited Sub Zero game. I'd never played in front of such a large crowd before. Ding Wop played Sub Zero in the sectional final in 05, but the crowd size was not as large or as interested. I think players in the region had been anticipating this game as much as we had. One, they wanted to see if Van Buren is for real, and two, they apparently wanted to see Sub Zero lose, quite reminiscent of Come Inside Where It's Warm.

We pull. Two throws later, Jimmy's huge block of Todd Owen's huck attempt can be heard from fields away and is echoed with a thunderous roar from the crowd. We pick up, and a few throws later, we're in the endzone with an upwind break on the first point. Again, the crowd is roaring.

We pull. Same line for us, but this time, Zero methodically works it up the field and scores on an upline cut. The crowd is deafeningly silent. Even though we had talked about it in the huddle about how there were a lot of people wanting to see us win, it wasn't until Sub Zero scored that it became obvious just how lopsidedly the support favored VBB.

Up 7-6 and receiving with the wind at our backs, fatigue had set in. Sub breaks us twice to take half and to return to serve. And the remainder of the game was much of the same. They go on an 8-2 run to win 13-9. Their depth dominated us. As it probably should have; they had a larger roster and have had just a few more practices than us.

Some highlights from the game:

• Jimmy's block of Todd Owens
  
• Charlie's eruption of "it's down it's down it's down!" followed immediately by a calm "oh, okay" with a what-did-I-do look on his face when told that it was up in an equally eruptive manner
  
• Ben's hand block of Todd
• Karsten catching everything
  
• Todd's gratuitous air spike following a play in which he was not even remotely involved
  
• Ross faking the air spike, in mockery of Todd, followed by a 90 second ovation by the crowd

Personally, I didn't do a whole lot, except try really hard and shut down 3 dumps. I had a small layout catch to save a dump. I laid out 3 other times. Two were really really close ones that I thought were all mine when I saw them go up, but missed them by inches. The third was just a desperate, try-to-be-a-distraction-to-cause-a-drop attempt (the one time I got scored on). Again, 0 turns.

On the weekend, I had just 2 turns, 0 drops, 2 received goals allowed, 1 thrown goal allowed, 4 D's, 6 goals, and a bunch of "nice try's." The layout I had underneath while I was guarding Truesdale was probably my best in 2 years, only I missed the D. Regardless of the outcome, it felt amazing. In general, my body is doing great. No soreness, a little fatigue (especially since Fridays are my hardest workout day right now), but 10% of my skin is decomposing somewhere on the field with all the horse manure. After being denied a cortisone shot from the Doc last Tuesday, he gave me a different NSAID to replace the 1600 mg of ibuprofin I normally take on tournament days and my knees feel brand new. No doubt, my ability to play at a higher level than I have a long time was a result of the pain-free running. I left the fields wanting to play MORE because I hadn't driven home from ultimate in about 2 years without a throbbing right knee.

If this post bored you, replace "right knee" with the body part of your choice and comment with "nice try."